What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

On the 31st of Jan this month .

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

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The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

Im still living with it.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

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Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

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She found it foreign!.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

And i lived it daily.

Why do some people have loving parents and some do not?

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

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My family never makes their pension either.

All the time i was locked up.

I was seconnd youngest,

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She loved him until the end.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

So whats the point in blame.

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We were not on the streets..

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

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She wouldn,t have been !

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

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So, i spoilt her more .

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

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Put me off passion for life!!

Where the ultimate outsiders.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

I have no regrets .

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

I will be 64.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

She was in good health!

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

But ive been too sick for many years..

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

As i do to all so called friends.?

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

I don,t even have a pension.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

I write beautiful poetry .

I did it because my mum asked me too!

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

I waited trembling.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

Especially a lifetime of it.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

But it wasn’t much.

Was to survive, this bastard.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

She married twice! .

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

Who then, do I blame.?

And who doesn’t know suffering?

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

We all went to grammer schools

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

What did i know ?

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

Comes on , in middle age.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

I know ,a lot about trauma.

It was going to be , some day.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

Ive learnt so much.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

I was scared of men, in general

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

I could never make a relationship work though!

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

My life is so biszare .

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

I couldn’t, believe it.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

I never cut or harmed myself..

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

Why did i forgive my father ?

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

He knew the spot.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

My mum and dad in the seventies!

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

I think the readers, may guess!

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

I was very sick at this time too.

This is soul school!.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

One cannot live in the past .

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

(And it was in our own minds.)

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

He resisted the act ,that day.

When she asked me how she looked .

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

I was 9 years of age.

But, we were locked up after school.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

Would this be the day?

I said to her